I cut my penus on the lid.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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