Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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