I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
