Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
