at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wish I only lived at night.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
