he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
