Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
