her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I want her autograph on my taint
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
