Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize