tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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