fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
They took my balls.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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