I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
