Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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