i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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