i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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