Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
