I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
