I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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