i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
