Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
