Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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