My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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