i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
