I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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