Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I have post one night stand depression
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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