his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize