I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
