Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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