if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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