sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i've created a new STD.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
