am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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