6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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