my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Actions speak louder than pants.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
