That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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