I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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