Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
