Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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