I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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