The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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