It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
