I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
