i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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