sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
