I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
