Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
