I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
