I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
