mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
