Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
