she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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