she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
