I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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