I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
