Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize