Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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