Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
