I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
