When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
