Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
