Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
