Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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