Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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